I have dubbed this year - Kate ‘08 - inspired by the cheezy election slogan of our prime minister.  What it means is that this year will be focussed on me, in getting healthy, losing weight,  becoming more spiritually connected.So far, apart from the last week, I’m going very well. I have lost about 22kgs from my largest weight. That is 22kgs in 6 months, the only change being my diet. So I figured if I could do that just with food then with exercise I should be able to lose 20kgs by May 1st, and yet another 20kgs by September 1st. That would take me to a weight I haven’t been since I was 16! In the first 2 weeks of January, picking up my exercise but still not doing it daily, I have lost an impressive 4 kgs! If I keep this up, I should have no problem achieving my goals. I’m also only weighing myself on the set dates above, and instead going to measure my weight loss based on how I’m feeling, my body’s reactions to foods and environment, and my clothing.

Which brings me to a painfil admission…

I have always felt that openly admitting your weight is the hardest thing to do, because once you verbalise it you can no longer deny it or say it is slightly less than it is. I’ve been putting off blogging my weight until now because I was embarrased. But, here’s the story of my revelation (or is it rawvelation?!)

I knew how large I was, but ignored it. Leading up to my wedding last April, we had a terrible lifestyle with little sleep, and living on chocolate and Red Bull to push our bodies through the monolithic pile of stuff we had to do. I look back and honestly don’t know how I didn’t have a nervous breakdown.

I’m very ashamed to admit that on my wedding day I was at or just under my largest weight. I put on weight between buying my wedding dress and the day and had to have two 1 inch peices put in the side of the dress, and on the day wore a tight corset and shorts - and was so uncomfortable and could barely breathe! But still, the revelation didn’t happen then.

In May, I had a terrible fall in the city. We had been shopping late on a Friday and at that point I could not walk for long without getting a pinched nerve feeling in my tailbone, making my legs numb, and therefore unable to walk well. We were tiredly shuffling back to the car when I tripped over a raised slab and went down slam! into my right knee. In front of a group of emo kids too… I was so embarrased. I practically had to crawl to the nearest bench to see the damage. I was pretty beat up.  But… the revelation didn’t happen then either.

By May 15, Chris’ birthday and celebrating the first one since we were married, I had been shuffling around on this painful leg for 2 weeks and could really feel muscle damage. I’m not a doctor kind of person so hadn’t been to get it checked. We were enjoying some birthday cake when I mentioned the hot red lump that had appeared on my calf that day. I wasn’t concerned but Chris freaked out that it was thrombosis or a blood clot! (Oh, and this is what had happened the night before too!)

We took off to a late night doctor, who told me to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. So Chris’ birthday night was spent sitting in emergency waiting to be seen to. I was taken to a bed about 1am, and they had to give me something in case it was a clot, and that something’s dose (some kind of blood thinning medication, can’t remember) was dependent on weight. So they had to weigh me.

The scales were back out in the emergency room,  so I shuffled out there and got on those scales. They read:

147.5 kilograms

Sorry to curse, readers, but holy fuck. I almost broke into tears then, as did Chris.  That’s 23 stone or 322 pounds. That is just absolutely disgusting.

I was left in the hospital overnight, and Chris went to sleep at his Mum’s house. I had plenty of time to reflect on what had brought me to this point. What made a happy child turn into a depressed adult carrying years of fear and pain in a pile of lard on her skeleton? Was it the years of bullying for being fat (I was a stocky tomboy, not fat at all in reality), holding in my emotions to put others first, having been called a selfish bitch for years no matter how much I put others needs before my own, being emotionally abused by drunken loved ones. Bottling it all up, and the bottle had to expand to contain it all.

The next day my leg was scanned for clots and thankfully there weren’t any and the lump was put down to being an infection.

Within a month, we had moved house so we weren’t travelling so far work, had more time to cook better food, went vegan and both dedicated ourselves to going raw, which happened a few weeks later.

On the 23rd July 07, after the raw food retreat and 3 days of being 100% raw, I weighed 143.1 and I continued to lose the first 12kgs quickly - but I’d say most of it was water. There was a time around September where the scales weren’t going up or down but I was beginning to feel better.

As of New Year’s Day, I was down to 127.8kgs. I’ve hopped on the scales since then and its around 123kgs but I’m not taking an official reading until May 1st. So I have lost about 24.5 kgs and have to lose a half of myself (63kgs) to get to my goal weight of around 60kgs (58 - 63kg would be good). I honestly can’t even imagine myself like that. I can’t remember ever weighing less than 70kg, thats how long ago it was.

You know, writing this has been the first time I have really reflected back on “the revelation” and I can actually see what changes have happened. I have been telling all my friends openly where I’m at, so they can keep me motivated and because it feels good to see people being proud of you.

It just shows the importance of why I need to be eating a raw food diet, a cooked food diet just wouldn’t work for me as I’d too easily slip into old habits.  Last week was an awful week because we really let ourselves go, having only a few hours sleep over 2 days and being too tired to cook - well, we could have eaten an apple so why did we buy Japanese takeaway instead?  Dedicating yourself to being raw vegan is so much tougher that becoming vegan - the ethics of meat eating are plain and clear to see, but enzymes and “live food” isn’t as visible - so its easy to return to a lifelong conditioning that a bit of tofu on rice with some veg isn’t bad for you. But it is, I feel it hit my stomach like a brick! However the difference you feel when you eat only “live” food, uncooked, freshly picked (that’s another post) and organic is undescribable - you have to live it to understand.

And, if I have this much energy and I still weigh 123kgs, then I’ll be unstoppable when I’m down to 60kgs.  I’ve still got a long way to go, but the road is firmly set in front of me and I’m happily running, not shuffling, along it.

(now I’m struggling to hit the publish button… do I really want to expose myself like this?…. here goes… )